Love Letter
by AngeloftheOdd
Summary: Tsunade reflects on the past after Jiraiya's death


**Love Letter**

**By AngeloftheOdd**

You told me once that you would make me love you. No matter what it took. That you would die trying. I thought them the mere words of a foolish boy who said such things to all the pretty girls he encountered. I did not realize then that words were your greatest strength. I didn't know how true that statement would turn out to be...

I think you knew that I always admired you. Perhaps not in the way you wished me to...but the truth is, you were always my closest friend. In our youth, the posing macho bravado used to annoy me to no end. Now, I look back on it with a fond smile. I couldn't imagine you being any other way and I'm not surprised many women fell for it. Perhaps I would have too if I didn't wish for the respect that came with being a kunoichi, a rare thing in our day. When I look back on it, you must have believed my attitude came from being treated with high regard as the grand-daughter of the First. A spoiled princess. But then, you always did love the thrill of the chase over the conquest itself and I refused to give in, lest you tired of me and made me the fool.

When Nawaki died, it was you who were the first to comfort me. I was in too much shock and grief then to see how deeply you were worried for me. Orochimaru, with his smug expression as he had handed me the necklace must have been taking some sick delight in my suffering. But I was too blinded by guilt and by sorrow to see it then. When he had turned up the next morning sporting a black eye and you a pair of broken ribs, I had shrugged it off as another one of the usual arguments between two rivals...

Then I had met Dan and life seemed to have some hope in it for me again. Naturally, you found reasons to dislike him. He was "a pretty boy" and "a teacher's pet". But when you saw how deeply I loved him, he "wasn't so bad I guess." You went off on your own travels, trying to become stronger. For yourself. For the village. For me... You always did think that you had to prove that you were the better shinobi over Orochimaru. At first, I wouldn't have believed for a single moment you would ever manage to accomplish that. Until that day...

It was a moment that changed our lives forever. The Lengendary Three. The Great Sannin of the Leaf Village. How ironic that it would be the final time the three of us would meet again in battle as comrades. I wanted nothing more than to return to Dan and his squad. Orochimaru was disappointed we hadn't managed to destroy Hanzo utterly. But you were profoundly touched by our surroundings... The thrill of victory, I had thought would have pleased you. Instead, the plight of the villagers who were the victims of this war were your only concern.

You surprised us all when you chose to stay...

A handful of pathetic brats shivering out of fear, hunger and the endless damp chill. Only you could have had the determination and the kindness to have turned them into legendary shinobi in their own right. How I hated you then for leaving us to tend the village alone while the war raged on around us. Dan dying in my arms...Orochimaru twisting further and further into his own mind and deluded ambitions...I cursed you for not having been there. We would never have admitted it, but we needed you. It was always you that had held us together through those long years of training. Through the first terrors of battle. The only one who could keep Orochimaru under some sort of control.

But you were always needed somewhere else. It was never in your nature to sit still in one place for too long. Orochimaru called it the foolishness of someone who truly thought they could change the world with mere words. I called it the irresponsibility of someone who would rather chase adventure and the women that went along with it. There was nothing I could do or say that would have anchored you to the Village. Nothing I could have said to have made you stay. Sarutobi-sensei, in his wisdom, saw this too. And he gave you a purpose.

Minato. It pained me to see you with him. It should have been my brother who you looked upon with the love of a father and teacher. Or the son I never had the chance to bear....With Minato by your side, I was all but written out of your story. It was time for me to leave and seek my own destiny. Unlike you, I found it in the bottom of a glass. In the thrill of making that one big win that would prove I wasn't a failure. Unlike you...

Until the day you lost everything as well. Minato died protecting the village...Kushina, in her grief, following shortly after him. The tale of Konoha knit yet again in tragedy and blood. In sacrifice and tears. Put that in your books I had thought bitterly. Now you too have seen the futility of it all. When I had heard that you had left, some mad hermit skulking alone in the woods...I am ashamed to admit I smiled in smug self-satisfaction. Now we were all broken....

Yet you clung to your stubborn belief that the world could change if only one person had the guts to try to change it. You even thought you could change people. Forever tailing Orochimaru like some sad, loyal dog seeking to bring him home. Oh you claimed it was to keep an eye on him to see how far madness had truly overcome him. To kill him if you truly had to and the chance presented itself. Taking responsibility for someone who had always hated you...would always hate you.

But he was one of _ours_...one of _us_. I wouldn't have said it aloud, but we all felt the guilt for not having seen it sooner. For missing the warning signs. That a weed had sprouted up in the garden of Konoha and we had failed to pluck it before it was too late...

Always too late...The story of my life. Too late to protect Nawaki. Too late to save Dan. Too late to hear about the attack that took Sarutobi-sensei's life. Too late to admit these feelings....

A life full of regret and shame. It should never have been me to take position of Hokage. Oh, you claimed in that infuriating nonchalance of yours that it wasn't the job for you. Too much responsibity. Too much paperwork. Not enough free time to train your new pupil...But we both know that in your choice to come find me, still carrying that silly photo of me from when we were young, that you saved me from myself. Orochimaru was a cruel manipulator to make the offer he did. You were an even crueler one by bringing Naruto along with you. I would have contented myself by killing Orochimaru like the vengeful ghost from the past that he was and sink back into my oblivious stupor of trying to forget...

Instead you helped me remember why I became a kunoichi to begin with. How I despised you for it. Dredging up the past...the pain. Acting like the hero swooping in to save me from the villain. But that wasn't your goal. You helped me to believe in myself again. So that I might save myself. Things happen in cycles you said. History repeats itself over and over again. Life is an unending story and we all have our part to play. It was time to break the cycle of tragedy. The Village needed a strong leader. You were absolutely correct.

But it shouldn't have been me...

You were always the leader. If you had been in my position you would never have sent me out against impossible odds. To a land that weeps with the weight of a pain too great to bear. All stories have an ending you said. It was only fitting to end it where it began. Full circle. We both knew you were leaving home forever this time. It's what was needed to right all the wrongs of the past. Never before has a shinobi written their own tale as beautifully as you did.

Still I wish there could have been a happy ending for us. That you would return to me the valiant hero weary from battle. I'd have healed any wounds and kissed you to sleep. You'd have awoken to the smile of the woman who has always loved you...But that is not how our story was meant to be.

The sky has cleared and the tears that besotted the Village Hidden in the Rain have dried.

I cannot stop the ones that freely flow from my eyes.

**Author's Note: Yep it's been a while since I wrote anything. Again this is short and again it is not OroKabu =P But I promised myself I'd have this done before November 11th and with last week's shippuden episode I thought it was only fitting. Jiraiya needs more love!**


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